Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Dov Heller - Part 13
always walking on eggshells, then you’re very likely in an abusive relationship and with an abusive person. Be very, very honest about this. You must feel that it’s safe to be with this person on an emotional level. And again, if you don’t, there’s a very good likelihood that indeed you’re with an abusive person.
So here’s two strong indications that a person is abusive. Controlling behavior. If the person tries to control the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair, the way you spend your time, then they’re a controlling person. There’s a big difference between suggestions and demands. If I make suggestions then that’s fine. — I really prefer that you wear your hair this way. I really prefer that you would spend more time exercising. Those are suggestions. If you don’t do it, I can live with it. Demands are an expression of control. — You must do this or else. If that’s the implied message, that you must do what I want or there’ll be consequences, there’ll be punishments for not doing what I want, then that’s a strong indication, again, of an abusive personality.
A second clear indication of an abusive person is someone who raises their voice at you on a regular basis, someone who is angry, someone who gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put-downs, curses at you. Those are clear indications of abuse. And it’s amazing how many people accept that type of treatment from other people. Most of the time people that accept that type of a treatment from other people, usually come from abusive homes themselves. If this in any way speaks to your own experience and you haven’t dealt with it, then I suggest the best way to deal with that is with a professional in a psychotherapy context. You must deal with it. If you have any questions about whether the person you’re with is indeed abusive, if they are controlling, then you must check it out. Marrying somebody who you don’t feel safe with, and who turns out to be abusive, is clearly a major mistake that people make when they date.
Reason Number Eight – Lack of Openness
The eighth mistake that people make when they’re dating is that they don’t put everything on the table for discussion. You’ve got to put everything out there on the table. Now the prerequisite here is… to put everything out on the table, I mean you’ve got to talk about anything and everything that bothers you. The prerequisite to that is, you have to know what bothers you.
So here’s an important question that you should constantly be asking yourself — What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person? What bothers me about the person or the relationship? You must constantly be asking yourself that to make sure that there’s nothing that’s bothering you. That there’s nothing that you’re unsure about. Therefore, it’s so important to identify
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