Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Dov Heller - Part 16
really the three people in the marriage and not just the two people in the marriage. This is called triangulation, where someone is still dependent on someone for their emotional well-being. Now not only can people be triangulated with people, they can also be triangulated with objects. This is the basis of addiction. Addicts, people who have some sort of an addiction, they triangulate their addiction into the relationship. In other words, theyå ¤ependent on whatever it is that theyå ¡ddicted to, and because of the addiction, because they have a dependency on it, their emotional availability is obviously limited. A very important principle which I wish I didnà¨¡ve to say, but which I will say and Iì ³ay it loud and clear is î¥¶er marry an addict. Never marry an addict. People canà¡¬ways determine whether someone is an addict and sometimes people do know. I donàªµst mean people who are addicted to substances like alcohol and drugs. There can be people who are addicted and dependent on work, the internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status. All sorts of thingsï¿½erialism. Watch out for addictions. There are very, very many addictions in this society and when someone has an addiction, when someone is dependent on something, they will not be and they can not (cannot) be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you.
Now the second reason why people are not emotionally available is because of a very common syndrome in our society, which I call the empty-self-syndrome. Now in simple terms this means someone who does not like themselves. People who do not like themselves cannot be intimate with other people. People who donà¬©ke themselves spend their time eating themselves up, they are preoccupied with their deficiencies, with negativity, with their insecurities, with their inadequacies. And, literally, it consumes their energy. The more psychological way to understand this is, as I named it before, the empty self. Now the people who suffer from this are people, generally, that do come from homes where they did not get sufficient love, attention, emotional nourishment. Some of the symptoms of someone with an empty selfá®¤ please ask yourself if this might describe you or someone youå ¤ating. If it does youì ¢e virtually impossible to be able to form an intimate relationship with such a person. Such people always feel empty. Theyå ¡lways fighting depression. They just never feel good. They are isolated. They tend not to have close friends and they actually often distrust people and are afraid of other people. Theyå £ritical, they tend to be judgmental. And a clear indication of such a problem is that they always feel that their needs are never getting met by other people. They have a sense of entitlement. They feel that people should take care of them and theyå ¡ngry when they donî “uch people feel burdened by other peopleà®¥eds, which leads to resentment. They are self-critical and theyå ¯ften detached from their own feelings and their own needs and may have a very hard time expressing their own feelings and needs. And when they do, they tend to feel guilty and ashamed for having those needs. In some they have just a deep sense of feeling bad about who they are and simply donà¬©ke who they are and donà¬©ke themselves. Again, this is a very, unfortunately, common syndrome in our society and it is a fundamental reason why people are not emotionally healthy and why someone is not emotionally available.
This will conclude my presentation. Thank you for listening and I hope that what Iå ¢een able to share with you will help you in your quest to find a life partner and the person that you can be happily married to for the rest of your life.
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