Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Dov Heller - Part 5
people say? What do they say about the level of responsibility that this person has. Another question you can ask yourself is, is this the kind of person that means what they say? Can I trust what they say? Can I rely on their word. That’s a very important way of measuring a level of responsibility of a person.
HappinessThe fourth character trait… again, these are just suggestions to help you focus your attention on evaluating character. A fourth character trait would be happiness. Again, you want to ask yourself the question — Is this a happy person, or at least, is this person an unhappy person? What is happy? What is a happy person? A happy person, the Rabbis tell us, is someone who is content with their portion. And I think this is a very profound insight into what happiness is all about. Someone who just feels good about themselves and good about their life is going to be a happy person. Someone who’s basically content. Someone who focuses on what they have and not on what they don’t have. If you can find a really happy person, someone who is just basically content with life, who enjoys life, that’s a quality person right there.
Okay, so these are four character traits. There are many others, of course. But again, I just wanted to give you an example of four that I think are rather important and that you would want to evaluate in any person that you would want to marry.
Now in Judaism, certainly in the traditional Jewish approach to dating, it’s very, very common… not just common, it’s expected… that when someone is looking into someone as a potential marriage candidate, that they do a background check on their character. Now parents do this for their children. This is done in the Orthodox world. They do a background check. They check with the person’s Rabbi, teachers, friends, neighbors. Does it sound like it might be a bit inappropriate to you? Well, from a secular point of view I can understand that that might be a reaction that some people would have. But the fact of the matter is that you must take character very seriously. In traditional Judaism indeed, we do that, and we do a thorough background check before the boy and the girl actually meet each other.
We’ve talked about character. Well, I said that number two is focusing on character not on chemistry, but chemistry is something that is important, nonetheless. In the secular world people get into chemistry and I think many people decide to marry someone, probably 90% on the basis of chemistry. You know, that click, that feeling, that sense of connection. Again, that is highly misleading, and I hope you understand why I take that position. Nonetheless, chemistry is important and you need to feel a level of attraction. There’s a Rabbi in Jerusalem who talks about when he was a teenager. And he was visiting his
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