Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Lawrence Kelemen - Part 10
Number one, the person should be considerate, committed to a higher set of ethics and values. Number two, the person should treat others they're not trying to charm, nicely.
Characteristic Number Three – Communication SkillsI call number three "good communication" but specifically what those Orthodox Jews mean is the couple should not constantly get into fights because they misunderstood each other. What does this look like? So the couple is in a fight and they're arguing half an hour, an hour, two hours, sometimes even a day or two. And then it turns out at the end of the fight — Oh, it was just a misunderstanding. I thought you meant that. You didn't mean that? Okay, we agree. — If that happens constantly, if the couple is constantly getting into misunderstandings which then lead to arguments, that's not a good sign because that might not change. It's very difficult for people to change their styles of communication and therefore, if they're always misunderstanding each other, that's a sign that you might want to back off this relationship for a while.
So number one is a higher standard of ethics. Number two, a person is nice to those they're not trying to charm. Number three should be somebody that you can communicate with well.
Characteristic Number Four – Physical AttractionAnd finally number four. These Orthodox Jews say that the person who you marry has to be somebody who you are physically attracted to. It has to be somebody that you wouldn't mind kissing. That's crucial because the physical is not a small part of a marriage. The physical is an essential part. It has to, of course, be an expression of something deep happening emotionally and spiritually, but it cannot be ignored. And therefore, these Orthodox Jews very realistically say that one must be attracted to the person before they marry them.
Now, having said that, there's a little difference here between men and women. Generally, men's judgment about looks is more superficial. It's determined really by body type, facial features etc. And therefore, generally, men, within two or three dates make a judgment as to whether or not they are attracted to this person, and often that judgment doesn't change. Sometimes it does but often it doesn't. However, ladies are different. A woman could date a man two or three times and she doesn't necessarily find him repugnant, but she's not necessarily that attracted to him. And that could radically change after two, three, four months of dating. So I don't recommend that women break off a relationship with a man if they're not attracted to him immediately, because as they get to know him better, as they get to know his personality, his dreams, his hopes etc., very often he actually starts to look physically more attractive to them.
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