Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Lawrence Kelemen - Part 26
Women, on the other hand, have to be aware that men will have difficulty in opening up and speaking in feminine language, that is in speaking just for the sake of creating a relationship.
Women have another skill though, which can help them overcome a man who is hesitant to speak. And that is, women have this amazing intuition. These traditional Jews call it bina. Bina is an ability which these traditional Jews say women have more of, an ability to detect myriad subtle pieces of data and draw accurate conclusions, even without hearing explicit statements from the person they're conversing with. It's common that, for instance, a woman will know exactly what's going on with her husband without him saying a word. And she has that skill because otherwise it would be very difficult for her to know what's going on inside of her husband because men are so hesitant to speak. Once again though, even though most women can read their husbands without verbal communication, it's very important for the man to learn to communicate verbally, not so that his wife knows what's going on with him, but so that he can experience the intimacy that only comes by speaking to another.
What parting message can you give us to smooth our way through the challenges of maintaining a good marriage?
Sweat the Small StuffBeyond these concepts of dual themes, respect and intimacy, and beyond this idea of removing distractions, there is another important piece of advice that makes a good marriage. And that is, we've got to learn to sweat the small things. I'll explain what I mean and how I tripped upon this idea.
These traditional Jews follow a very detailed legal code which makes recommendations for almost every aspect of their life. And many of the laws are extremely detailed, that they follow. The Sabbath could come in on any particular week at 5:42 and 18 seconds. It might leave at 6:27 and 38 seconds. What a crazy amount of detail. They've got to give minimally exactly 10 percent of their net after-taxes to charity. But not more than 20%. And the more that you look over the laws that these people live by, you see they're so detailed. And I remember once asking one of their sages — Does God really care? These details are what He's into? What ever happened to just being a good person? — And this sage explained to me that all of Judaism is about making a person into someone who will be successful at relationships. And all relationships rise or fall based on the little details. I didn't understand it and he explained further. The more that you love somebody, the more you're interested in discovering the details that make them happy. In my counseling practice, I've seen a lot of couples who were contemplating divorce. I've not yet met a couple who was getting divorced over a major theme. — But he's a Republican, I'm a Democrat. I
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