Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Rosie & Sherry - Part 13
you're at a point in your dating process that you're starting to build a relationship. You need to give yourselves time to let it jell.
When somebody comes to us and says é¯µ know, we hit it off really well in the beginning and I can't understandç¥§ve been going out for a couple of monthsç¥§ve been going out for several weeksá®¤ now when I go out with him I start to feel anxious, or start to feel nauseous. What's going on? Has something happened? It doesn't seem like anything happened? Why am I reacting so ambivalently or so negatively? Many times we find out that the reason a person is feeling that way is that they have been overdoing their dating. They just haven't given themselves enough downtime.
But if you're going to marry this person, you're going to be with him or her all the time. So isn't that the fairest test of your marital compatibility?
We try to explain that married people don't spend every moment together. They learn to balance their jobs, their personal interests, the errands they have to do, their friends and their families. They don't share every minute of their lives with their spouse. And in addition, by the time they have been married for a while it isn't as emotionally intense. They're pretty sure of their feelings for each other, and they don't have to sort out their emotions. They don't worry that their personal lives are falling into disarray because most of their spare moments are spent on dates, and they don't spend their time thinking é³ this the right person for me? They don't go through the roller-coaster of emotions that a lot of people experience when they're dating. We have found that the ideal amount of time that a couple should be seeing each other when they re on their third, fourth, fifth date and onward, is about twice a week. And of course, you're going to be talking to each other on the telephone, sometimes e-mailing each other.
When people have time to integrate their lives with their courtship, they will feel a lot less overwhelmed or puzzled about the future of their relationship. And this will help them come to appreciate each other and look forward to seeing each other and not feel overwhelmed.
The Four StagesIt takes time to build a relationship. Courtship goes through four stages. Stages are: meeting for the first time, which Sherry and I spoke about; building a relationship, which we just spoke a little bit about now; developing emotional intimacy, which is the feeling of being a best friend with somebody; and the leap of faith, which is a leap of faith to commitment, engagement and marriage. What I'd like to do now is tell you a little story about somebody that didn't understand these stages of courtship. Eva and Simon felt an instant attraction. After her first date Eva was sure that Simon was the one for her and they became engaged on their one-month anniversary. Since they were both close to 40, they didn't want to waste any time and they got married one month later. After about another month, the chemistry between them was gone. Within that month Eva and Simon couldn't stand to be in the same room together and they were quickly divorced. Eva and Simon thought they were madly in love. Being madly in love is for movies and romance novels, not for real life. Divorce attorneys find that the couples who are most likely to get divorced quickly are those who are madly in love with each other when they get married. They were so infatuated that they didn't take the time to really get to know each other. Relationships take time. Give yourself the time you need to develop a very strong emotional connection to the person you are dating. With G-d's help, that will lead to a great life together.
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