Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Mordechai Rottman - Part 6
happens when people get involved in a relationship with each one going in a different direction. You have to know what the other person’s goals are, and they have to be compatible to yours.
I may be able to sense if a person is kind and giving, but how do I figure out what their life goals are?
Very simple. You ask them. This is one of the things that you must speak about while dating, before getting married. Obviously, engaging in physical contact before marriage, besides also being forbidden by Torah law, is a sure way to end up marrying someone without knowing their goals because physical contact bonds. You get involved in the physical relationship and you sort of forget to discuss what the goals are. You need a lot of objectivity to think about another person’s goals and to think if they’re your own, and to figure out whether they’re compatible. This, I think is another… one of the great false fantasies which have been perpetrated by Hollywood against mankind. Again, love is something that sort of happens naturally; you don’t need to find out whether you’re both going in the same direction; whether you share the same goals. All those sticky points of reality don’t seem to really matter when “love happens”.
So to summarize this second category of common goals: First of all, you need to know yourself. You need to know where you’re going. Then you need to know the second person and you need to know where they’re going. And if you’re both going in the same direction, then you have what to talk about. Then you have a possibility of sharing a happy life together. But if not, even if you’re both great people, it’s just not going to work. Love cannot conquer all, and it cannot change people’s goals simply for your sake. You don’t want people changing their life goals for your sake, because as soon as you have a bit of an argument suddenly, the person will start to say — Wow, and I sacrificed so much for this person. I gave up my whole life goals for him. And then, every time that there’s an argument, the spouse’s frustrated life goals get thrown into it, and turn what could be a little fire into an inferno. You don’t want other people living for your goals, you want them living for their own goals. You would like them to be compatible with your goals so you work together toward something which you both consider to be important.
So, so far we’re looking for somebody who is giving, who knows themselves well enough to have fairly clear goals and confirm that those goals match up with their own. What else remains on the agenda in our search for a partner?
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